Sin Part 1

Hey this is my newest story that will hopefully be turned into manga form soon! so please be critical!!!!!!!!!

http://tales-of-sin.deviantart.com/art/Sin-part-1-85049217 here be the link!

Wow!
:]
Hnnn, I like it. The style is obviously a lot different that most of what I read, but I like it anyway.
Critical? Okay I can do that. >:]
1st complaing: Crap is overused. I know its the style you write in and the dude is pissed off at his day, but using crap about 6 times in the 1st para alone is overkill.
2nd complaint: A little more description of surroundings would help make it a lot better.
So far all I know is that he is in a gas station store, with a shop keeper named Juan who is apparently Mexican.
To get you started: are the isles cramped, does it smell sticky sweet or just rancid? Is Juan young, old, or ugly? Is it busy inside/outside? Are we near a highway? Is the back a dark alley, or an open parking lot?
3rd complaint: You never really said the girl was half-dead. I thought she was laying there, sleeping (in the garbage albeit) and the next thing you know he feels that he has to take her to a hospital.

The good:
I want more. Already. The main character guy is way interesting (a tad paranoid, very critical. and majorly pissed off great combination for an angel dropping in on him) and of course the other girls wings are intriguing. Mostly its just that he sees the angel dude and hes hardly interested! It made me laugh a bit. Its better when two charries are thrown together and neither likes the situation much imho.

lol wow! thanks! i never expected this kind of response!

oh! and on the store i could put a bit more in there. i did think of isles but i found it irrelevant to the story since they play no part or signifacance to even mention since he doesnt have a need to pass them. smokes are always at the front. but thank you! you will see some changes soon. ^_^

They may not have anything to do with the plot, but it still adds some more atmosphere and gives the reader a baring about what is happening. *shrugs* It doesn't have to be about the isles either, it could be the front of the store or what is out the window.

*will re-read it soon*

lol ok i get it. ill let you know when i finish all the revisions

Not bad at all. However from the way you are writing it, it feals more like it could be a good short-story rather than a long one since this peice feals more like an On-spot writing in a diary than a narration in a book. It's probably because everything is written in the present tense and there is little to no distinguishing from thought and action. Like in this part, you wrote, "But what the hell?! Did her wings just retract into her back?! Well they are gone! That’s for damn sure! But I mean there is no damn way that is possible!" You got the emotion across the character very well! But, sense there's no description of her transpormation, it difficult to visualize. When I was reading, a voice popped up in my head rather than an image. If that's what you were aiming for, than you did a great job! If not, then you need some revisions.

And that's my critique. Hope I didn't sound mean, because I did enjoy it and would like to read more about it.

Also, I see that your going to have this story illustrated into a manga. If that's the case, wouldn't it be simply and less time consuming to write a script?

my partner told me to not do that

oh, okay then.

hm...

it passes as readable

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first several part are repetitive
I get that he's had a bad day and all but even so if he is walk around things are goning to catch his attention and change his line of thoughts I doubt he's that deep in thought.
secondly he use the same phrases to much (crap) ...

more crit to come have to go to lunch with a friend now